i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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