theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
