I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize