would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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