My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
