so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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