I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
