Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
