I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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