You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
