I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
