Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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