I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
