I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
