I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Someone came in the potted fern
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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