who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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