Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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