we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
