Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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