Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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