And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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