If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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