I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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