Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
