The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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