Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
