I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize