I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
