My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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