Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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