Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize