Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
