I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
