Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
