her vagine was all disorganized.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
