When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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