so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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