Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
