sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
