my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
