Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
