seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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