I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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