I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
