what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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