I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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