I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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