Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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