Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
