Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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