I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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