don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
