I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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