And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
