I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
