No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
