Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
