I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
