well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
